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| Re: Fanfiction story.[message #177429]
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Wed, 05 March 2008 19:39  
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 Fairy_Wilbury |
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Messages:50
Registered:November 2007
Location: London, UK |
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Now another chapter is ready... I've told you - it will be a long story = )
BTW, this is my first attempt to write a story in english and as I'm going to study screenwriting in a year and a half, all your opinions are important to me.)
Back to the life.
Beat. Beating of his heart - abrupt and hollow it was. Unconscious with no thoughts and feelings yet he could hear that sound. Excluding it, a blank silence remained, but somehow he could concentrate his attention on the sound of his own heartbeat. Strangely enough, it brought back the sense of reality, as if he had re-emerged to life from a deep well of total unconsciousness. Mike had no idea of what had happened to him, where he was, why he was there or what state his body
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Corporal
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| Re: Fanfiction story.[message #177843]
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Mon, 10 March 2008 01:13
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| MikeThePro |
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Messages:175
Registered:November 2007
Location: Bulgaria |
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Great chapter.And since you requested some feedback I'm ready to provide some:
1The getting back to life and the whole chapter was very detailed and reasonable.There was logic in most of the described actions and events.I was wondering how can Mike get back to life, and it was very well explained.
2Except for atropine(for nerve agents(gases) warfare), mercs usually carry some sort of morphine or a similar mixture to suppress the pain and keep fighting for 30-60 minutes.I was surprised Mike didn't have any, but perhaps he prefers to keep a healthy way of living, keeping his stats in consideration.
3When Scully was looking for him and found Mike's body missing, a standard procedure is holstering the weapon and investigating the area for possible hostiles.Besides, you never know if they won't mistake you for an enemy in CQC or fighting in buildings.But chances that you are aware of military tactics are unlikely so you still did very well...
4I noticed several repetitions such as "medical help" and "mustering the strength" but I may be fiddling criticism now...
5Using the namesake MD as the saving doctor was probably the best idea one could use...
6I only didn't like the part when Mike gets annoyed by MD, even that he's saving his life.It would probably be more in order to say something like "Keep silent, kid, unless you intend to finish me off prematurely."He also could have said, like: "If you really want to help me out, then it is advisable that you do no inform anyone about this", instead of threatening them especially when being in such a condition...
7Generally Mike's shown as arrogant person with no good attitude at all.Now this is all a personal opinion, so you can ignore it easily.But I believe that Mike's only arrogant towards the opposition and the enemies, and he considers his colleagues possible enemies, because he knows they may turn their backs someday.But with his real friends he can be quite friendly and helping, and can even be an example for the community.It'd be interesting to see him in various daily routine situations-shopping at the store, meeting the neighbours and all...
Anyway, I hope I wasn't too rough or harsh, I just felt like sharing my opinion on the subject, and don't get me wrong, not even with all I said up to this point, this story is getting greater with every new chapter...
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Staff Sergeant
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Well, I'd better go and write another chapter.... :shy: 
