Home » CHIT-CHAT » Off Topic Discussions » Joke of the day too !
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248301] Thu, 01 April 2010 03:28 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia
:cheers:

Cheers indeed Lockie Wink

Yeah, I've been away too long. Travel, work and more travel plus working on a novel tends to distract one from the various boards and forums one would have regularly posted on.

And now I'd like to share with the community here a little story that did the rounds a couple of months ago. Some may have seen it but it's still puts a smile on my face every time I read it.


:cloud8:


This was an Ad Was Posted to Craig in the Personals


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card.
The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go

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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248302] Thu, 01 April 2010 03:40 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia
This post has been edited because Taoteching believed it was racist.


Instead I place this happy song from the hit musical Avenue Q to give Tao something to think about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbud8rLejLM[/video]



[Updated on: Thu, 01 April 2010 06:50] by Moderator

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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248303] Thu, 01 April 2010 03:49 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia

Mobile Phone Rudeness

One of my pet peeves is the almost constant use of mobile phones by people while driving, shopping, dining, in line at the store, etc.

Does no one know how to say, 'I'll call you back?' Well, it has gone beyond that now with phones being used in supposedly relaxing getaway places such as the beach.

This is being totally rude and inconsiderate.

While on the beach recently, I had to sit there and listen to this woman chatter on for at least an hour as she pranced back and forth in front of me.


I couldn't concentrate on my book...



http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/090/3/b/3bc29b7df740450f4fa3903cea468a68.jpg


How thoughtless and inconsiderate is that?

:exactly: :wrysmiley:

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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248304] Thu, 01 April 2010 03:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia
Subject: Green Spots


A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."*

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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248305] Thu, 01 April 2010 03:58 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia
last one for today Wink


How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist


http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/090/3/9/a_gay_terrorist__by_Talwyn22.jpg

YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN'











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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248317] Thu, 01 April 2010 08:30 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia
I wondered if you bothered to listen to the Avenue Q song Kaerer?

if not here is a particluar verse that sums up this storm in a tea cup:

Everyone's a little bit racist
Sometimes.
Doesn't mean we go
Around committing hate crimes.
Look around and you will find
No one's really color blind.
Maybe it's a fact
We all should face
Everyone makes judgments
Based on race.

edit:

for the record, I think everyone of every ethinic background is worth poking fun at, especially whitey! :devilaugh:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F67JhKT5bxU[/video]

[Updated on: Thu, 01 April 2010 08:42] by Moderator

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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248319] Thu, 01 April 2010 08:45 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia
Since there is a theme going on here, lets keep going! :diabolical:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIlJ8ZCs4jY[/video]

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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248321] Thu, 01 April 2010 08:58 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia
And now we move to Dave Chappelle who has some rather amusing things to say :diabolical:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8T8L3xcsA3w&feature=related[/video]



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFR9xkZm4ck&feature=related[/video]


and Dave is gonna twist the knife some more!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKd35EmCIx8&feature=related[/video]



[Updated on: Thu, 01 April 2010 09:04] by Moderator

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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248382] Fri, 02 April 2010 04:03 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia
Ok, back to the humour...


We've seen the rise in real men's domestic appliances but this takes it to a whole new level


http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/091/1/7/Man_sized_vacuum_clearner_by_Talwyn22.jpg


and I just love this new cordless drill!


http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/091/6/7/a_real_man__s_drill_by_Talwyn22.jpg


[Updated on: Fri, 02 April 2010 04:08] by Moderator

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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248384] Fri, 02 April 2010 04:38 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia
[color:#33CCFF]L u x u r y C r u i s e L i n e s[/color]


Now Accepting Reservations! Additional cruise information available below.


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http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/091/0/6/Cruise_map_by_Talwyn22.jpg




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That's because you are welcome to bring your own arsenal with you. If you don't have your own weapons, you can rent them from our onboard Master Gunsmith. Enjoy reloading parties every afternoon with skeet and marksmanship competitions every night!

But the best fun of all, of course, is...


...Pirate Target Practice!

http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/091/1/6/cruise1_by_Talwyn22.jpg



The object of our cruise is to sail up and down the Somali Coast waiting to get hijacked by pirates!



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http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/091/f/6/minigun_by_Talwyn22.jpg





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http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/091/7/b/M2HB_by_Talwyn22.jpg
"Holy crap! I mean literally, I crapped myself! This gun shook the deck like thunder, and I was laughing so hard I just had to release it. AWESOME!-- Jim W., Tampa , FL


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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248396] Fri, 02 April 2010 11:04 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lockie is currently offline lockie

 
Messages:3721
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland
Li'l thread tidy up , never does any harm.....

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Captain

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248398] Fri, 02 April 2010 12:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lockie is currently offline lockie

 
Messages:3721
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland
My wife put on some sexy underwear , asked me if I'd like to stay in bed all morning , and afterwards she'd make me a sumptious lunch !
I'm such an idiot , I fall for this line every April Fools day .

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Captain

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248408] Fri, 02 April 2010 21:35 Go to previous messageGo to next message
cdudau
The Obama economy is so bad that at the next White House beer summit they'll be serving Natural Light.
http://sites.google.com/site/barackobamajokes/_/rsrc/1267521473934/obamacigarette-medium-init-.jpg

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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248415] Sat, 03 April 2010 00:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lockie is currently offline lockie

 
Messages:3721
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland
still not getting it...? :confused:

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Captain

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248422] Sat, 03 April 2010 03:46 Go to previous messageGo to next message
cdudau
I thought you were a drinker Scottsman!

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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248427] Sat, 03 April 2010 11:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lockie is currently offline lockie

 
Messages:3721
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland
hmmm , lite beer , ... a drink ? or lemonade for kids... :diabolical:

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Captain

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248460] Sat, 03 April 2010 21:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
cdudau
Natty Light is the cheapest beer on planet earth A.K.A. Horse Piss.

Color: straight up light yellow, and i mean light yellow..you can see the carbonation.
Smell: I dont know how to explain the smell, only that you can somewhat smell shity corn.
Taste: Ummm, nothing? Maybe a hint of water?
Just carbonation, you'll feel nothing else.
I could drink this literally all day and feel fine the next morning...


In West Virginia, there are actually billboards for this stuff!

One says: What do you say to some one who brings Natural Light to a party? - Natta boy!

Another one: What do you call a party that runs out of Natural Light? A Nastastophy!


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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248935] Sat, 10 April 2010 03:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Captain Taipan

 
Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia
Here are a couple good jokes I heard:

Q: How do you hide something from a Birther?
A: Put it in a textbook.

Q: How do you drive a Birther mad?
A: Put them in the oval office and tell him the President

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Corporal
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248942] Sat, 10 April 2010 05:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
howareyou32 is currently offline howareyou32

 
Messages:424
Registered:March 2009
Location: New York, New York
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNdIBZWhzO8[/video]

Some how I find it funny.

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Master Sergeant
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #260037] Fri, 20 August 2010 23:32 Go to previous messageGo to next message
cdudau
Here is a joke I received on my cellular phone.

Fwd: Prove the Mayans right! - Elect Palin in 2012.

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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #260038] Fri, 20 August 2010 23:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Logisteric

 
Messages:3199
Registered:December 2008
Location: B
i don't get that one

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Captain
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #260044] Fri, 20 August 2010 23:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
cdudau
Do you know who Sarah Palin is?

If she is elected president, that would commence the end of the world. So, prove the Mayan calendar "proposed" prediction of the world ending in 2012 right.....elect Sarah Palin for president.

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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #260045] Fri, 20 August 2010 23:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Logisteric

 
Messages:3199
Registered:December 2008
Location: B
lisa ann? mcpain/milf 2008? are you kidding?

forgot about the mayan calendar, though

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Captain
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #260050] Fri, 20 August 2010 23:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
cdudau
It's actually: Who's Nailin' Paylin?

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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #260053] Sat, 21 August 2010 00:29 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Gorro der Grüne is currently offline Gorro der Grüne

 
Messages:1448
Registered:March 2009
Location: Broadwurschd-City
I would volunteer if somebody pays for the flight (Lufthansa. 1. class)

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Sergeant Major
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #260271] Sun, 22 August 2010 12:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lockie is currently offline lockie

 
Messages:3721
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland
As you are all aware (hah!)the Edinburgh Festival is on , here are some jokes from various performers there .

A dog is for life , not just Christmas .
So be careful at the next Christmas office party !


Unfortunately , the Invisible Man died of cancer , which would have been treatable , if he had been seen by a doctor !



The weather in Glasgow , it's like the Muslims in Iraq , it's either Sunni or Shi-ite !




Where would we be without rules ? France ! Where would we be with too many rules ? Germany !



Laughter is not the best medicine , it's chemotherapy !


I was watching a porn film the other day , and , to my surprise my dad's sister appeared on it ! Can you believe it , my Dad's sister !
What an auntie climax !




I've got a few fat friends , ... well , two actually , it just seems like more !







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Captain

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262089] Fri, 10 September 2010 05:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1159
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"


Wink

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Sergeant Major

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262182] Sat, 11 September 2010 05:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1159
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

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Sergeant Major

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262184] Sat, 11 September 2010 07:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
howareyou32 is currently offline howareyou32

 
Messages:424
Registered:March 2009
Location: New York, New York
Brother, that is dirty..... I like it.

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Master Sergeant
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262218] Sat, 11 September 2010 16:15 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lockie is currently offline lockie

 
Messages:3721
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland
Howie , can I ask you to keep your little you tube video's in your thread , and leave this one for jokes , it's a written or oral tradition .

Thanks .

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Captain

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262248] Sat, 11 September 2010 19:43 Go to previous messageGo to next message
howareyou32 is currently offline howareyou32

 
Messages:424
Registered:March 2009
Location: New York, New York
Yes yes, keep the purity of this post.

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Master Sergeant
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262303] Sun, 12 September 2010 03:47 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1159
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
Mommy, Mommy

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Sergeant Major

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262304] Sun, 12 September 2010 03:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1159
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
Can you spare just $2? Timmy is a nine year old boy living in Detroit. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to ride seven miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video

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Sergeant Major

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262309] Sun, 12 September 2010 07:38 Go to previous messageGo to next message
howareyou32 is currently offline howareyou32

 
Messages:424
Registered:March 2009
Location: New York, New York
I don't know man, your last two posts is rather sad than funny.

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Master Sergeant
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262311] Sun, 12 September 2010 08:08 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1159
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
Ok, keep your 2 dollars then. Wink

[Updated on: Sun, 12 September 2010 08:15] by Moderator

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Sergeant Major

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262312] Sun, 12 September 2010 08:16 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1159
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Wink

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Sergeant Major

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262318] Sun, 12 September 2010 10:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Logisteric

 
Messages:3199
Registered:December 2008
Location: B
mommy mommy, why is marlboro man ziczacing in the garden?
shut up and hand me a new magazine!

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Captain
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262353] Sun, 12 September 2010 20:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1159
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
Mommy,Mommy....Logisteric is trying to be funny.
Shut up, his pants will explode any second now....


Wink

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Sergeant Major

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262363] Sun, 12 September 2010 22:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
MikeThePro is currently offline MikeThePro

 
Messages:175
Registered:November 2007
Location: Bulgaria

And now the worst joke of the day/year/whatever(one can only laugh at it being a poor joke, seriously)

Two psychologists meet on the street
-Hello *insert the other guy's name here*.
-What do you mean by that...

...
...
...
Leaving the space for the awkward silence.




OK, that was whack.Here's something halfway decent:
Two guerilla bouncers drive a car in the countryside.One's looking outside and tells the other:
-Damn, can't see the nature because of those trees.

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Staff Sergeant
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262366] Sun, 12 September 2010 22:43 Go to previous messageGo to previous message
lockie is currently offline lockie

 
Messages:3721
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland
Quote:
Two guerilla bouncers


Would have been funnier with two gorilla bouncers... Very Happy

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Captain

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