Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248301]
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Thu, 01 April 2010 03:28
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Captain Taipan |
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Messages:48
Registered:December 2007 Location: Western Australia |
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:cheers:
Cheers indeed Lockie
Yeah, I've been away too long. Travel, work and more travel plus working on a novel tends to distract one from the various boards and forums one would have regularly posted on.
And now I'd like to share with the community here a little story that did the rounds a couple of months ago. Some may have seen it but it's still puts a smile on my face every time I read it.
:cloud8:
This was an Ad Was Posted to Craig in the Personals
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card.
The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go
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Corporal
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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248304]
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Thu, 01 April 2010 03:52
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Captain Taipan |
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Messages:48
Registered:December 2007 Location: Western Australia |
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Subject: Green Spots
A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."*
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Corporal
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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248317]
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Thu, 01 April 2010 08:30
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Captain Taipan |
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Messages:48
Registered:December 2007 Location: Western Australia |
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I wondered if you bothered to listen to the Avenue Q song Kaerer?
if not here is a particluar verse that sums up this storm in a tea cup:
Everyone's a little bit racist
Sometimes.
Doesn't mean we go
Around committing hate crimes.
Look around and you will find
No one's really color blind.
Maybe it's a fact
We all should face
Everyone makes judgments
Based on race.
edit:
for the record, I think everyone of every ethinic background is worth poking fun at, especially whitey! :devilaugh:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F67JhKT5bxU[/video]
[Updated on: Thu, 01 April 2010 08:42] by Moderator Report message to a moderator
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Corporal
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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248384]
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Fri, 02 April 2010 04:38
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Captain Taipan |
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Messages:48
Registered:December 2007 Location: Western Australia |
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[color:#33CCFF]L u x u r y C r u i s e L i n e s[/color]
Now Accepting Reservations! Additional cruise information available below.
To The Point Cruise Lines is excited to offer the ultimate adventure cruise, along the pirate-infested coast of Somalia !
Ultimate Adventure Cruise Route
Rates and Availability
Ship Name Starting Price Days Availability
Sun Splendor $5,200.00 5 Fully Booked
Grand Voyage $6,150.00 7 Reservations Available
Horizons IV $7,091.00 10 Reservations Available
Horizons III $5,200.00 7 Fully Booked
Ship Name Starting Price Days Availability
Grand Voyage II $6,300.00 7 Fully Booked
Grand Voyage III $5,200.00 5 Reservations Available
Coastal Paradise $5,200.00 7 Reservations Available
Coastal Paradise II $8,200.00 10 Reservations Available
Peril Princess $5,200.00 7 Fully Booked
Peril Princess II $5,200.00 7 Reservations Available
We board our luxury cruise ships in Djibouti on the Gulf of Aden near the entrance to the Red Sea, and disembark in Mombasa , Kenya seven adrenaline-charged days later. Reservations start at only $5,200 per-person (double occupancy, inside room) and $6,900 (verandah complete with bench rest).
You'll relax like never before!
That's because you are welcome to bring your own arsenal with you. If you don't have your own weapons, you can rent them from our onboard Master Gunsmith. Enjoy reloading parties every afternoon with skeet and marksmanship competitions every night!
But the best fun of all, of course, is...
...Pirate Target Practice!
The object of our cruise is to sail up and down the Somali Coast waiting to get hijacked by pirates!
Weapons rentals:
Weapon Selection
Price
Description
AK-47 Light Assault
$12.00 Per Day
On a budget? Rent a full-auto scope-mounted AK-47 for only $9/day with 7.62 ball ammo at $12 per 100 rounds:
M-16 Full Automatic
$25.00Per Day
Rent a full auto M-16 for only $25/day with ammo attractively priced at $16 per 100 rounds of 5.56 armor-piercing:
Barrett M-107 50 Caliber
$59.00Per Day
Hello! Nothing gets a pirate's attention like a Barrett M-107 50-cal sniper rifle; only $59/day with 25 rounds of armor-piercing ammo affordably priced at only $29.95.
RPG Launcher -
$175.00Per Day
Want to make a real impact? Rent an RPG for only $175/day with three fragmentation rounds included! A true favorite among pirates, rent one today and show you care!
Customer Testimonials
"Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected. I bagged three pirates, my wife nailed two, and my 12-year old son sank two boats with the mini-gun.This wonderful cruise was fun for the whole family" -- Fred D, Cincinnati , OH
"Pirates 0, Passengers 32! Well worth the trip! Can't recommend it highly enough!" -- Ben L, Bethesda , MD
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Twin mounted mini-guns are available for rental at only $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire!
Additional Cruise Line Services
Need a spotter? Our professional crew members can double as spotters for only $30/hour(spotting scope included, but gratuities are not). Also included: Free complimentary night vision equipment - and throughout the night, coffee, pastries and snacks are always available on the main deck from 7pm until 6am
Our deluxe package comes complete with gourmet meals and all rooms offer a mini-bar
OUR SATISFACTION GUARANTEE!
We guarantee you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or you'll receive an instant $1,000 refund upon arrival in Mombasa.
How can we make that guarantee? We operate at 5 knots just beyond 12 nautical miles off the coast of Somalia , thus in international waters where pirates have no rights whatever. In fact, we make three passes through the area's most treacherous waters to ensure maximum visibility by Somali "mother ships."
We repeat this for five days, making three complete passes past the entire Somali Coast . At night, the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot every five minutes with loud disco music directionally beamed shore side to attract maximum attention.
ACT NOW!
Cabin space is limited so you need to respond quickly. Reserve your package before May 31st
and get a great bonus - 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice! So sign up for the Ultimate Somali Coast Adventure Cruise now!
BUT THERE'S EVEN MORE!
Reserve now and be automatically entered to win a 5 minute time slot on the Captain's own Twin Browning 50 Caliber M2HB installation!
"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in ' Nam . Don't worry about getting shot by pirates... they never even got close to the ship with the crap they shoot and their lousy aim... Come on board and bag your own clutch of genuine Somali pirates!" -- Mike W., Savannah , GA
"Holy crap! I mean literally, I crapped myself! This gun shook the deck like thunder, and I was laughing so hard I just had to release it. AWESOME!-- Jim W., Tampa , FL
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Corporal
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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248460]
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Sat, 03 April 2010 21:01
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Natty Light is the cheapest beer on planet earth A.K.A. Horse Piss.
Color: straight up light yellow, and i mean light yellow..you can see the carbonation.
Smell: I dont know how to explain the smell, only that you can somewhat smell shity corn.
Taste: Ummm, nothing? Maybe a hint of water?
Just carbonation, you'll feel nothing else.
I could drink this literally all day and feel fine the next morning...
In West Virginia, there are actually billboards for this stuff!
One says: What do you say to some one who brings Natural Light to a party? - Natta boy!
Another one: What do you call a party that runs out of Natural Light? A Nastastophy!
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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248935]
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Sat, 10 April 2010 03:51
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Captain Taipan |
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Messages:48
Registered:December 2007 Location: Western Australia |
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Here are a couple good jokes I heard:
Q: How do you hide something from a Birther?
A: Put it in a textbook.
Q: How do you drive a Birther mad?
A: Put them in the oval office and tell him the President
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Corporal
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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #260044]
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Fri, 20 August 2010 23:48
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Do you know who Sarah Palin is?
If she is elected president, that would commence the end of the world. So, prove the Mayan calendar "proposed" prediction of the world ending in 2012 right.....elect Sarah Palin for president.
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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #260271]
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Sun, 22 August 2010 12:59
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lockie |
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Messages:3721
Registered:February 2006 Location: Scotland |
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As you are all aware (hah!)the Edinburgh Festival is on , here are some jokes from various performers there .
A dog is for life , not just Christmas .
So be careful at the next Christmas office party !
Unfortunately , the Invisible Man died of cancer , which would have been treatable , if he had been seen by a doctor !
The weather in Glasgow , it's like the Muslims in Iraq , it's either Sunni or Shi-ite !
Where would we be without rules ? France ! Where would we be with too many rules ? Germany !
Laughter is not the best medicine , it's chemotherapy !
I was watching a porn film the other day , and , to my surprise my dad's sister appeared on it ! Can you believe it , my Dad's sister !
What an auntie climax !
I've got a few fat friends , ... well , two actually , it just seems like more !
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