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Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262369] Sun, 12 September 2010 22:55 Go to previous messageGo to next message
MikeThePro

 
Messages:176
Registered:November 2007
Location: Bulgaria

They don't make them like they used to, do they?Either way, thought that the militarized pun'd be cool or sumthin'.

Anyway, since I'm on a posting spree, here's another couple of jokes I heard recently:


-Excuse me, young lady, are you free for the next dance?
-Yes, of course!
-Ok then, because I need you to watch over my beer.


-Daddy, daddy, are you a good physiognomist?
-Well, yeah?
-Ah, good, because I just broke your shaving mirror.
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262370] Sun, 12 September 2010 23:00 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Logisteric

 
Messages:3414
Registered:December 2008
Location: B
mike, is it for your jokes that americans refuse even to look where your country is on a map?
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262374] Sun, 12 September 2010 23:13 Go to previous messageGo to next message
MikeThePro

 
Messages:176
Registered:November 2007
Location: Bulgaria

Could be. Here's a fresh example:


Some of my government dudes called the USA president and told him "Today we're gonna bomb New York, mo-fo".
No reaction. Planes came up and bombed NY, leaving only ashes.
They were desperate for attention, so they called again and said:"Ok, turns out we're not taken seriously.Today we're gonna bomb Chicago"
Still no reaction. And Chicago's out of the map too.
But these people still wanted to be recognized so they called again:"Look, you're not leaving us any choice.Today, we'll destroy Washington"
The USA president couldn't keep silent and called back:"Damn you b******s, just wait till I find you on the map..."

So yea, this joke got 5 purposes here.One may find,note and send them to my mail and I still won't give a damn.
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262376] Sun, 12 September 2010 23:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Gorro der Grüne

 
Messages:1546
Registered:March 2009
Location: Broadwurschd-City
what to do with 365 used rubbers?

recycle them as a tire and call it a "good year"
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262377] Sun, 12 September 2010 23:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Gorro der Grüne

 
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Registered:March 2009
Location: Broadwurschd-City
and finally one for Mike the pro:

What does "joke" mean in Bul(l)garia?

bul(l)shit!
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262380] Sun, 12 September 2010 23:32 Go to previous messageGo to next message
MikeThePro

 
Messages:176
Registered:November 2007
Location: Bulgaria

Haha, good one. Would have been better without the second "l" though.
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262735] Thu, 16 September 2010 05:38 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1260
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
Starting to think shaving my cock was a bad idea.... there's feathers everywhere.

Just got a rolex for my birthday from my two lesbians friends. Guess they misunderstood me when i told them "I wanna watch".

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

Wink


Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262793] Thu, 16 September 2010 21:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lockie

 
Messages:3943
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland
Not so much of a joke , but today I went to the barbers for a haircut ,I asked him for a number 4 on the sides and back , with a trim and tidy up on the top .

What he heard... " Rape my head till it looks like a chickens arse !!"


Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262806] Thu, 16 September 2010 23:15 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1260
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."


Wink


Re: Joke of the day too ![message #262807] Thu, 16 September 2010 23:24 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Logisteric

 
Messages:3414
Registered:December 2008
Location: B
that is as stupid as the greatest soviet inventor

Toggle Spoiler
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #263103] Mon, 20 September 2010 20:39 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Gorro der Grüne

 
Messages:1546
Registered:March 2009
Location: Broadwurschd-City
If the Dutch have a person who didn't succeed in the driving licence test for the fifth time
they temper justice with mercy and give him or her a driving licence for the fact of his or her shown effort.

BUT to warn all other drivers this person gets a special licence plate

It's yellow instead of white. :biglaugh:
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #264061] Fri, 01 October 2010 06:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1260
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!


Q: Why doesn


Re: Joke of the day too ![message #264094] Fri, 01 October 2010 15:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Will Gates

 
Messages:1030
Registered:September 2006
Location: Far far away.
Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #265211] Wed, 20 October 2010 14:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Mauser

 
Messages:781
Registered:August 2006
Location: Bavaria - Germany
Prime minister Putin during press conference:
-Something has to be done with those time zones. When I make a phone call to Beijing to give my best wishes to general secretary Hu Jintao on his birthday, they tell me it was yesterday.
When I make a phone call to Warsaw to give my condolences after presidential plane crash, they tell me the plane hasn't yet taken off from Warsaw!

☆★GL★☆
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #274567] Sat, 26 February 2011 08:34 Go to previous messageGo to next message
howareyou32

 
Messages:419
Registered:March 2009
Location: New York, New York
Which Animal Is Most Like Having Sex With A Woman?
http://seafoodpunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/mervsdugong.jpg
Man, I guess when one is desperate enough, one will do anything.....
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #274612] Sun, 27 February 2011 03:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tao

 
Messages:2140
Registered:August 2009
Location: The Known Universe
Um, yeah..........
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #274656] Sun, 27 February 2011 20:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lockie

 
Messages:3943
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland
......... Smile


Re: Joke of the day too ![message #274664] Sun, 27 February 2011 21:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tao

 
Messages:2140
Registered:August 2009
Location: The Known Universe
.........and a further, um, yeah.....

[Updated on: Sun, 27 February 2011 21:50] by Moderator

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #279480] Sat, 07 May 2011 23:34 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tao

 
Messages:2140
Registered:August 2009
Location: The Known Universe
The New English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".
This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking
German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #279482] Sat, 07 May 2011 23:42 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Logisteric

 
Messages:3414
Registered:December 2008
Location: B
:gaga:
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #279487] Sun, 08 May 2011 00:43 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tao

 
Messages:2140
Registered:August 2009
Location: The Known Universe
You liked it!
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #282052] Fri, 03 June 2011 00:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tao

 
Messages:2140
Registered:August 2009
Location: The Known Universe
09/27/05

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gate's technology which was stolen from another American - Steve Jobs, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by a Mexican illegal....That, my friends, is Globalization
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #284073] Mon, 20 June 2011 17:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tao

 
Messages:2140
Registered:August 2009
Location: The Known Universe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c&feature=player_embedded[/video]
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #284107] Mon, 20 June 2011 19:36 Go to previous messageGo to next message
spirit99

 
Messages:61
Registered:May 2011
Location: Z., Germany
priceless, the reaction of the news guy or whatever he is (dont know the show)
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #284183] Tue, 21 June 2011 04:07 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1260
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

Wink

A married Cajun went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almos' had de affair wid annuder woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Cajun said, "Well, we get undress' and rub together, but den I stop."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Cajun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Cajun replied, "Yeah fadder, but me..I rub de $50 on de box, and 'cordin' to you, that be de same as puttin' it in."

Wink

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, actually I'm your son's math teacher."

Wink


Re: Joke of the day too ![message #285254] Fri, 01 July 2011 22:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Gorro der Grüne

 
Messages:1546
Registered:March 2009
Location: Broadwurschd-City
q: "Mr. Cactus what do You know about human speech?"

a: "They always say >>outch!<<."
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #287734] Wed, 27 July 2011 02:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
howareyou32

 
Messages:419
Registered:March 2009
Location: New York, New York
No Message Body
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #287735] Wed, 27 July 2011 02:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tao

 
Messages:2140
Registered:August 2009
Location: The Known Universe
that was not necessarily a joke, but I understand what it is that you are implying.
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #287740] Wed, 27 July 2011 03:45 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1260
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Wink


A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."

The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"

Wink


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Wink

[Updated on: Wed, 27 July 2011 04:04] by Moderator



Re: Joke of the day too ![message #287779] Wed, 27 July 2011 19:00 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lockie

 
Messages:3943
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland
Quote:


Re: Joke of the day too ![message #287782] Wed, 27 July 2011 19:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Logisteric

 
Messages:3414
Registered:December 2008
Location: B
nope, it shows that howie thinks the great bert brecht was in fact a comedian

edith: believe it - it's by bert brecht not by aesop (a greek comedian)

[Updated on: Wed, 27 July 2011 19:19] by Moderator

Re: Joke of the day too ![message #287826] Thu, 28 July 2011 03:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1260
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she said


Re: Joke of the day too ![message #287832] Thu, 28 July 2011 10:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Off_Topic

 
Messages:1046
Registered:January 2009
When i was younger, people laughed when i said i wanted to become a stand up comedian.... they're not laughing now.


Re: Joke of the day too ![message #287968] Sat, 30 July 2011 04:14 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Marlboro Man

 
Messages:1260
Registered:October 2005
Location: USA
Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

Wink

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

Wink

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

Wink


Re: Joke of the day too ![message #288065] Mon, 01 August 2011 01:58 Go to previous messageGo to next message
slayer

 
Messages:107
Registered:July 2002
Location: Mtn. View, Ca. Silicon Va...
Wow Its been a lomg time.
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #294399] Fri, 02 December 2011 18:44 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tao

 
Messages:2140
Registered:August 2009
Location: The Known Universe
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #301071] Tue, 06 March 2012 02:35 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tao

 
Messages:2140
Registered:August 2009
Location: The Known Universe
President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney go into a Texas bar. Over a couple of beers they plan the invasion of Iraq, taking out Saddam Hussein and taking control of Iraq
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #301074] Tue, 06 March 2012 03:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Sam Hotte

 
Messages:2028
Registered:March 2009
Location: Middle of Germany
Where's the joke?
(Maybe the unrealistic claim that somebody would ever have a friendly drink with those two? Wink )
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #301075] Tue, 06 March 2012 03:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tao

 
Messages:2140
Registered:August 2009
Location: The Known Universe
Your right...now that I read it again...it really aint that funny.
Re: Joke of the day too ![message #303656] Fri, 20 April 2012 01:26 Go to previous messageGo to previous message
howareyou32

 
Messages:419
Registered:March 2009
Location: New York, New York
The Lesson of Lions, Wolf, and Sheep
I heard a story on radio today and I thought it worth sharing.

Once upon a time, God demanded two flocks of sheep to stay with their enemy, whether a wolf or two lions. Whichever chooses the two lions have the right to swap between the lions as only one will stay with the flock at a time.

The leader of the first flock of sheep decided to choose the wolf because they thought the wolf was less threatening as it only ate one sheep in a week, but lion could eat one sheep a day. The other flock chose to stay with the lions.

At the beginning, things went like what had been expected, but soon the wolf realized that it had the power to decide the sheep's life and death. Eventually it became proud and rampant, it attacked the sheep even if it did not want to eat them. The sheep were powerless.

On the other hand, the flock that had chosen lions knew that the right to choose between two lions was their power to control the lions. They let one lion to stay with them and let the other starved, and the swapping process went on. Lions finally realized that if they did not behave well, the flock had the power to swap them away and make them starve. Later, the lions only ate dead sheep and stopped attacking the flock. While the flock kept both lions alive because they knew if one of the lions dies, the survived will have the upper hand over them.


Are you going to choose wolf or lions?
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