Home » CHIT-CHAT » Off Topic Discussions » Joke of the day too !
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #224058]
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Mon, 29 June 2009 03:07  
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 Mauser |
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Messages:752
Registered:August 2006
Location: Bavaria - Germany |
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time for some chat quotes guise!
OMG guys you gotta hear this
So i goes to the grocery store to pick up smokes and a frozen pizza.
I get my things and head to the 12 items or less line.
i get in line just as the guy in front of me is setting his items down on the conveyor belt thing
his items were: get this
a box of condoms, a medium sized cucumber, a tub of margarine and a 12 pack of beer
I imediatly am thinking "lolwut?"
well i couldnt help but make that reverse nasal snort sound you make when your trying to keep from laughing.
well i couldnt help but make that reverse nasal snort sound you make when your trying to keep from laughing.
oops
the guy and cashere must have heard it because they both turn to look at me
im grinning from ear to ear now and my eyes are darting from the guys face and the items he had on the belt
i catch the casheirs eye and i look at her and shes looking at me like 0_0 and shaking her head "no dont!"
this all was a few seconds but it felt like an eternity...
well i finaly says to myself: "shift, youve gone this far, may as well say something"
so i say to the guy (still with this huge grin) "going to a party?"
The girl just loses it and starts laughing
the guy just scowls at me
looks to the girl
and walks away leaving his items there at the checkout
it was kinda awkward
pizzas good though
SeanieG123: So the other day i was hangin out with some friends and i told them about this dream i had.
SeanieG123: It was a weird dream, and they all agreed and told me there was something wrong with me.
SeanieG123: Anyway, so then my black friend, brandyn, looks at me funny.
SeanieG123: So jokingly, I say to him, "what's wrong? don't you dream when you sleep?"
SeanieG123: He looks at me dead in the eye and says, "hell naw! last nigga who had a dream got shot!"
linkraceist: my printer is being rather communist atm
necrokiss: lol, how so?
linkraceist: in theory, there is nothing wrong with it
linkraceist: but when i try to use it, everything goes wrong
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First Sergeant
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #238389]
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Sat, 21 November 2009 20:21
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| lockie |
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Messages:3709
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland |
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James lay back in bed , totally satisfied , Lee Ming , his new thai bride , still seemed to want to stroke his cock .
'Whats the matter baby ', he smiled , ' you want some more of this ? '
'No , luvvah man , it more I miss my own'!
and
Nasa have just sent up their latest mission to space , the crew are 2 chimps and Amy Jones , 1st female astronaut .
They all open their misson orders , Chimp 1 reads - Keep engine coolant at specified levels ,check course and correct where necessary , ensure radioactive isotopes are properly positioned in tank .
Chimp 2 reads - Keep communications satelite focussed on Earth at all times , complete all sensor data , photograph any anomolies during flight .
Amy reads - Hoover capsule twice weekly , keep chimps fed and for f***s sake , don't touch anything !
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #239454]
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Sun, 06 December 2009 19:55
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MAN'S WORST NIGHTMARE
After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #239513]
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Mon, 07 December 2009 06:06
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| joezoe |
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Messages:1
Registered:December 2009 |
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no adbots please..this is a humour thread..and your post is so far off topic my cat even hissed at it
[Updated on: Mon, 07 December 2009 13:18] by Moderator Report message to a moderator
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Civilian
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #239707]
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Wed, 09 December 2009 19:55
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This is where I'm from.
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #243037]
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Tue, 02 February 2010 14:12
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| Will Gates |
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Messages:1011
Registered:September 2006
Location: Far far away. |
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Heightened Terrorist Threat Raises Alert Levels
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #243064]
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Tue, 02 February 2010 23:12
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| lockie |
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Messages:3709
Registered:February 2006
Location: Scotland |
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Heh heh ! Like it Will...
HILLBILLY DIVORCE A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'
The farmer replied, 'I want to get one of them day-vorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'
The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.'
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?
The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'
The farmer replied, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a holdall.
The lawyer said, 'Let's start again...Does your wife beat you up'
The farmer replied, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
...By now the lawyer is totally frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a day-vorce.'
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #245342]
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Thu, 25 February 2010 22:31
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Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248216]
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Wed, 31 March 2010 09:28
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| Captain Taipan |
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Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia |
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some froggie bashing which you guys may have seen before:
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"
De Gaulle did not respond.
--------------------------------------------
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."
enough said...
There is a new drug for depressed lesbians: it's call Trydixagain!
This was actually taken from a
Passport application
Subject: Passport Application
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. Detector van can tell if my T.V. Is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... The one where we're not allowed to smile in, in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
Who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
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Corporal
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248218]
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Wed, 31 March 2010 09:45
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| Captain Taipan |
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Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia |
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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as whenthey were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Terri, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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Corporal
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248219]
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Wed, 31 March 2010 09:46
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| Captain Taipan |
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Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia |
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RURAL LOGIC, IN ALL ITS CLARITY !!!!
The New South Wales Government and the NSW Greens Party were presenting an alternative to local farmers for controlling the native dingo population.
It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers offered a more humane solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, where the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be better controlled.
This was actually proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the combination of State Government and the Greens.
All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem....Those dingos ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' them!"
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Corporal
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| Re: Joke of the day too ![message #248220]
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Wed, 31 March 2010 09:52
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| Captain Taipan |
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Messages:48
Registered:December 2007
Location: Western Australia |
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Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!
A woman went to a Bunnings service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!"
in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPPLes
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says,
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
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Corporal
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