Home » PLAYER'S HQ 1.13 » v1.13 General Gameplay Talk » Next 1.13 Release: Spring 2011
Re: Next 1.13 Release: Spring 2011[message #278834] Thu, 28 April 2011 21:19 Go to previous messageGo to previous message
sean10mm is currently offline sean10mm

 
Messages:38
Registered:February 2007
First of all, good job taking a crack at improving those merc descriptions. As a native English speaker some of the old ones were VERY awkward to read, you rewrites are a real improvement. :thumbsup:

Some small suggestions:

Off_Topic

Henning is an expert with most firearms.


Nitpicking, but it should read "firearms" (one word) not "fire arms."

Off_Topic
Luc Fabre has not really lived up to his his nickname, as he seems to be followed by bad luck. A fatherless childhood led to many misadventures, most notably when someone picked on his little sister he accidentally broke their neck in her defense. Unfortunately for Lucky, he turned out to be a high-ranking Belgian police official. Lucky went underground and found his way to A.I.M.


Another nitpick, you had "went underground" written as "wentunderground" which I assume is just a typographical error. And "high-ranking" is probably a more natural way to phrase it than "high ranked."

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All that time spent in the treacherous mountains and dark forests of Chechnya may explain why he is often found by himself, saying only what needs to be said. His friends call him Monk, a fitting name for this taciturn pro who melts into his surroundings.


I think this wording is slightly less awkward.

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Scream is a natural born leader, a joker, with a strange sense of humour that rubs off on others. His tough upbringing in Siberia hardened him for life. The isolation of his village allowed him to indulge his interest in military history from an early age, where even frequent power cuts did not interfere with his reading.


Another small change that I think makes the text flow a bit better.

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Grace grew up in New Jersey and comes from an Italian/Hungarian family of acrobats. Early on, afraid of losing her mother, she sabotaged her mother's wedding plans. As a child she would sooner play with her wild brothers than play with dolls. Her Italian soul expresses itself in her love of midnight walks and giving classes on Italian cuisine.


"Family of acrobats" probably makes more sense here than "acrobatic family."

[Updated on: Thu, 28 April 2011 21:54] by Moderator

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